I was reminded yet again last week, just how important it is for us to embrace our inner human.
After all, isn’t that why we’re on this rather large rock that endlessly circles the sun?
To fully experience the enormity of this thing we call HUMAN-NESS?
Enough ranting. Let me explain…
My dad is nearing the end of his human experience. It’s not morbid, simply a fact. One that, at some point, applies to each and every one of us.
At 85, he’s had a pretty good innings. But he’s been ill for a few years now, and physically, it’s catching up with him.
He’s in a fair amount of pain. So understandably, he’s rather grumpy.
Now my dad has never been a particularly happy fellow, so his grumpiness was always nearby. It’s just super-charged now. Any behavioural filters have long since vanished.
Which means that those deeply preserved emotional triggers of mine that specifically bear his name, are feeling a tad abused of late.
Yup, as he lashes out (verbally), I’ve observed myself periodically falling into the abyss of resentment, anger and frustration! Albeit briefly.
And no-one is more surprised than me!
Well, it’s a fact that my dad and I have never been close. And after 49 years and much processing, I’d believed that those particular triggers were teflon coated. Un-triggerable. Immune to his goading.
BUT, now it’s different…
The younger me felt unworthy and offended by his harsh and abusive nature.
I believed that his behaviour towards me MEANT something about me.
Now I know it doesn’t. And it never did.
His misery and anger are ALL his. He owns them. He created them.
Who he projects them onto is his business. Entirely.
And here’s the human-ness aspect to it all:
I still react. Momentarily. And that’s ok.
I still experience the hurt and disappointment. Momentarily. And that’s ok.
But then I step back, and remember what I know for sure.
That my worthiness was NEVER up for debate.
It was ALWAYS mine.
I just forgot it was there…